tailbone update: the last one.

so, where to begin...

i started this blog about a year ago because i absolutely loved other people's blogs that i followed. i always thought "i should totally do that!" and so i did. and it has turned into more than i could imagine. not just because of the people who stop by daily, but for myself. 

having a blog can be a tricky thing. it is a never ending struggle for balance. balance in what you post, but more importantly, what you share about yourself. i always knew when i started that i wanted to be honest. i wanted to be relate-able. because so many blogs show these perfect women who wear perfect designer outfits & do perfect crafts, and so on... and don't get me wrong, i love all those blogs. they inspire me to be better... but that isn't exactly who i am.  and so, i have shared with everyone my story of my tailbone pain, surgeries, & recovery. but only a surface story. because you really don't want to see the pictures, and most people don't want to hear a sob story or pity party. because you don't check out blogs to make your day go south, you visit to be inspired. 

so here is my point: as much as this blog could inspire other people, the most impact it has had is on me. because the truth is this. this blog has gotten me through the past 9 months. it has been a therapeutic outlet, a positive activity since i still can't work, & to be completely and shockingly honest... most weeks, the wardrobe posts have been the only thing that would get me out of bed to shower, do my hair, & put on clothes. 

it is so easy to look at other people and be jealous of what you see on the surface. we all do it. but most people don't put themselves out there to be judged on the internet with a personal blog. it is so easy to see the pretty pictures & nice hair-do's and be like "who does this girl think she is?" and no, i honestly don't get upset if anyone doesn't like my blog... of course i care, but i don't let it ruin my day, because this blog has helped me heal in ways i can't even begin to explain.

because basically and to be quite frank: i have lost almost a year of my life. i had to quit my job, move back in with my parents because pete's military schedule wouldn't allow for him to be home enough to take care of me  (i required constant care) ...the man has driven 3 hours to new jersey and 3 hours back to Connecticut, every 2 days for the past 9 months, just because of what happened. our lives were turned upside down in just our second year of marriage.

and so it has been 9 months. 9 months of wound changing, worrying the blood was leaking through the gauze onto my clothes. 9 months of IV's, pain medication, & therapy due to post traumatic stress disorder & a serious depression from the trauma i was going through and the effects the whole situation had on my entire family, husband, and friends. i look back on old posts & see the pictures from my roomie's wedding, & the trip to california. and what astounds me is i looked so happy & well... and yet every night i was curled up in bed, sobbing from pain & exhaustion and telling pete "my blog is such a lie of pretty pictures" ... i laugh now, so dramatic! but it is a perfect example of how you think you know all about someone, but you have no idea.

but you know what??? i have made it. barely, but made it. and this will be my last tailbone post. because i am looking to close this chapter on my life & move forward. this was the most traumatic experience i have ever been through and yet i am stronger. pete and i are stronger. when a surgeon says whitefaced to my husband & mother "we are going to lose her" ... it puts all other things aside. my parents and husband and friends are incredible. i could cry just thinking about all i have put them through. my therapist says she has nominated pete for best husband of the year. because he truly is. i don't know how i could have gotten so lucky. he would do anything for me, and he has. he has stuck by my side and held my hand through this whole ordeal. we have been through, in our first two years of marriage, what most don't go through their whole lives. we have built a foundation of love and strength that will never waver, and now he is bringing me to california to start a new chapter together. to move on: with his exit from the coast guard and from this whole ordeal.  and we couldn't be more excited!

*sigh*
so where have i been the past couple of weeks: i have been going through what i do not wish upon my worst enemy. after 9 long months of pain medicine, i am finally off of them. but it took one of the worst experiences: withdrawals. let me tell you. they are no effing joke. i wanted to throw myself out of the window. i can't even begin to describe the feelings of when your body is like "what the hell are you doing to me, why aren't you giving me medicine" ...it is extreme anxiety, restlessness, and the most incredible skin crawling that makes you literally want to jump out of your own body. (so dramatic LA!) i know... but it is the truth. i have a high tolerance for pain, and this experience is no joke. and knowing it was going to be miserable, my pain management doctor put me on a Clonidine patch. it works amazing for reducing the symptoms of opiate withdrawals, however it lowers your blood pressure and causes extreme fatigue. like bone & body exhaustion followed by falling asleep in the dentist waiting room yesterday. that kind of fatigue. so doing blog posts & putting on clothes has not happened... yet.

but it is coming! i promise. i am almost there... just be patient. for those who do not know me personally, thank you for stopping by and reading!! (sorry this post isn't very fun!) but for those of you who are my dear friends & family, this post was meant for you. it is the biggest thank you i could possible muster. thank you for your patience, for being there for me, for helping, for caring, for loving. i will be back to my old self in no time! the happy blonde girl is itching to get out & live a happy & healthy life. and i couldn't have done it without you, and without this blog :)

a detox!

i have never detoxed in my life. but i stumbled across Dr. Oz's 3 day detox on Pinterest and figured i would give it a try!

to print out your own sheet click here

i basically was a peanut growing up. i was the shortest in my class throughout grade school and never worried about my weight. everyday after school i had four hour gymnastics practices that burned off anything and everything i could possibly eat in a day. and so i graduated & i went off to college & was forced to end my gymnastics career as a sophomore when i broke my heel in half. i then, all of a sudden, had so much free time! i partied more, ate more, and quickly decided to study abroad in Australia the following year... that combination, along with the fact that i had never even entered a "regular" gym in my life, was a recipe for a 20lb weight gain that lasted until the end of my senior year. if someone had just said "this is called a treadmill & this is an elliptical... they make you sweat" i probably could have held off some of the weight gain. but when you are a gymnast your whole life, running in one place is brutal & sooo so so incredibly boring.

fast forward to the end of college... i graduated and immediately entered my first job in NYC interning for Elite Model Management. as an intern i loved the agency, but after two weeks i was hired and quickly discovered the world of modeling & what was worse to me, some of the bookers that came along with it. i realized this cut throat business was not the place for me, plus i was trying to get out of an extremely dysfunctional relationship at the time. one that severely affected my self esteem & sent my emotions on a never ending roller coaster. when i found myself crying one day on the bathroom floor, spooning peanut butter & jelly out of their jars, i called my mom & told her i was coming home. i quit my job, got out of that relationship, & went through a little self discovery phase...

and enter: pete. the most amazing man in my life. he literally picked me up, dusted me off, put me on my feet & showed me the lighter side of things. we moved in together & within six months we were engaged & planning a wedding. those first two years, before our marriage, i lost 20lbs without even trying. a true testament to the powers of happiness. i felt comfortable in my own skin again & stopped dreading any season other than winter (where i could cover up). and then i lost another 5lbs due to the craziness & stress of planning a wedding & the fun work outs i did with another coach i was working with in jersey. life was good.

and then shit totally hit the fan about 7 months ago. most of you, who have been following along with the blog, know that i had my tailbone removed last summer... a surgery that resulted in a major spinal infection & a very, very serious amount of blood loss. after blood transfusions & two weeks in the hospital, i went home with an IV inside my upper arm to my heart & a hole the size of a grapefruit in my pelvis. i lost a lot of weight in the hospital, but after 8 weeks of the strongest antibiotic you can take, i developed "C.diff"... a horrible condition where your body kills the good bacteria along with the bad bacteria. it was horrifically miserable, and resulted in an additional 10lb weight loss that was, in a weird way, nice to have all of your clothes fit and look great... but i was very, very sick and it really showed in my face. and so over the past couple of months i have gained back those 10lbs that i lost. which really is fine because i needed to give my body the necessary nutrients to heal, along with a lot of rest, & some well deserved desserts! but as of the past week, my wound has finally closed up and i am trying to get back to being a healthy, fit individual.

and so, i am embarking on this detox for the next week (i'm going to do more than 3 days)... however, i am def going to make some changes to different things. because let's face it, strawberries instead of spinach sounds much more appetizing! i am hoping this will be a sort of kick start & just the motivation i need to a healthier diet. i have so much to look forward to: in the months to come & also in the future with my husband. and more importantly, i am hoping to move forward and put the past 7 months behind me :)

let me know if you are going to try the cleanse with me! i'd love to hear how it works for you, if you lose any weight, if you feel any better, etc... and as i've said before, if you are suffering from tailbone pain please message me if you have any questions. i have been through everything you could possibly go through with it & would love to answer any and all questions. 

xo

blowing the dust off my sneaks

i know this is totally not a big deal... but to me it is, & this is my blog, so here it goes... drumroll please... yesterday i drove! it hurt a lot, but i drove! AND went to the gym for the first time since my surgery!! it was a very, very big deal for me.  i climbed into my jeep, turned on the radio, drove myself to get coffee, & headed to the gym. it was incredibly liberating having not been able to drive for 7 months & completely amazing getting to break a bit of a sweat with one of my great friends Lisa. and who knew i'd be a member of Planet Fitness (holy smokes they have great deals!) for $20 a month i purchased the black card & husband can come with me ANYTIME for free when he's not on duty. so you really can't beat that... i finally got to put on my favorite sneakers & get some endorphins flowing & stretch it out... i highly recommend it! & so this girl is happy happy at the moment & there is nothing better than that :)

over the past week

many dunks trips were made + i had coffee with the gronk

my favorite halloween movie was viewed in pj's by the fire

we went to watch my little brother's last home soccer game

(i can't believe he is graduating high school this year)

our friend suraj proposed to one of my best friends nichole

and she said yes!!

& was then led upstairs to a rooftop party she had no idea about

where all of her favorite people were there to celebrate her special day

this past week was spent enjoying all that fall has to offer (have you tried dunkin donuts white chocolate pumpkin coffee yet? holy smokes it's fabulous) & ended with a trip to NYC for the engagement party of one of my oldest friends nichole. she had absolutely no idea about anything and was in tears when she walked up to the rooftop of her apartment building & saw not only her friends, but her parents & brother as well, who flew in from indiana for the special occasion. it was a night to remember & we can't wait to celebrate with them more this coming weekend!

*quick update: today was spent in new jersey for an appointment with my surgeon that included silver nitrate being put on my wound, so i am simply beat. i still have a couple more months left of healing, but the end is near & i encourage anyone who has tailbone pain to please reach out to me if you have any questions. it is astonishing how many people who suffer daily from tailbone pain & even though many of those people won't resort to surgery, it is still comforting to know & relate to people who go through similar chronic discomfort. on a lighter note,  i hope you all had a great monday. i'm off to catch up on boardwalk empire by the fire :)

update.

waiting for surgery + all ready to go...

QUICK UPDATE: it's been 13 days since surgery... my mom drove me to Dr. Kane's office in jersey yesterday to have my stitches removed. i never got to speak with him after surgery to see how everything went so it was interesting to hear him talk about what he found when he went in. he said the bottom two vertebrates were moving on their own plane as well as the top, larger vertebrate. he was shocked at how much mobility there was and it just confirmed that surgery was the right decision.

he then took out my stitches and said everything looked great, but to take it easy. the top stitch opened up a hole that is now draining (yuck) but he said it would close up in the next week or two. i still can't sit down and i get very tired by late afternoon but i'm doing very well and keeping busy thanks to my amazing friends + family... here's to more time on the couch.

operation: tailbone.

i apologize for the lack of posting over the past two weeks. it has been very busy: lots of doctors appointments, blood work, follow ups, and getting things ready for the surgery i had yesterday morning. that is correct, tailbone REMOVED.

i went in to the Hackensack hospital yesterday morning for my 6am check-in. my nerves were beyond anything i've ever felt. i have never been more nervous for anything in my life. luckily i had pete there and the sweetest nurses i have ever met in my whole life. they told me i was in good hands with Dr. Kane and he was the best person for the operation i was receiving. they hooked me up to my iv and i only had about 20 min before Dr. Kane came in to say good morning and see how i was feeling. then i was headed in to the pre-op area and then led into the OR room where i had to say goodbye to my husband and hello to that wonderful room... that room scared the you know what out of me. there was this one nurse laying out all the tools and i started to cry. at 25 years old i was standing in a sheet crying in an OR room. one of the nurses ran right up to me and laid me down on the table and told me to relax and that she was giving me some juice....

then i woke up. all done. Dr. Kane said that my last three vertebrates were worse than he thought so he took everything out. means a longer and some what rougher recovery than i had already expected, but i never have to worry about this tailbone pain ever again once it is healed and that is what is giving me my positive attitude.

it was a long bumpy traffic filled ride back to CT but once i got home, Lord of the Rings (extended edition obviously) was put on for me and i fell asleep on my stomach on the living room floor.  sleep last night was rough but today is a much better day. it's pete's 25th birthday and we've been just laying around and playing with my parents kittens. i feel much less nauseous today but 100 times more sore and in pain.. but all in all i feel pretty good! here's to a speedy recovery and catching up on my blog posting! i would like to thank my family and all my friends who wished me well yesterday. it meant the world to me.

the penguin my mom crocheted for my recovery

with a bandaid.

tale of a bone

an update:

about a week and a half ago i met with Dr. Kane at his north jersey office. i explained what had been going on and he took a look at my MRI which to much disappointment was blurry and didn't show what he needed to see. he did a physical exam to see how stable my coccyx was and said that he felt it was fairly stable but he wasn't 100% sure. he ordered a special x-ray to be done and gave me a shot of cortisone (which didn't do anything) and i was on my way home.

yesterday was my second appointment. i went to his office location and on the first floor was the radiology department that he had trained staff to give this special x-ray. they took a picture of me laying down first, then one where i was sitting. the object was to show if there was any movement in my tailbone. i brought the images upstairs to Dr. Kane for a "wet reading" and right away it was obvious where my pain is coming from. a normal tailbone has a slight curve at the bottom which mine showed in my laying down x-ray. in my sitting picture, the bottom two vertebrates are completely rotated upwards and almost don't even look attached to my spine. below is that image of me sitting. it's very hard to see as it was taken with my iphone, but you can very faintly see the curling up of the last two parts of my tailbone. that movement is what causes my pain, and that movement is why i'm having surgery in two weeks.



at this point i am extremely nervous. it is a major surgery with a 6 week recovery and up to 4 months before i can sit comfortably again, however i am excited to get this over with and excited for the long term ability to sit without pain... and wear jeans again!

tale of a bone

NO PICTURES TODAY. just a quick story. of a poor little tailbone. for those not interested, by all means, carry on.. but for anyone going through tailbone pain i would like to first off state that you are not alone. i have decided to document this story due to my astounding discovery of how little there is out there on this specific injury, and yet how many people suffer on a day to day basis. if my process helps just one person. i will be happy.

it began with a sled when i was young. landing on a rock caused a bruised bum which healed thankfully in a couple months. then it was a gymnastics meet in high school with a tumbling pass that ended up right on my butt causing a fractured vertebrae in my spine and 2 years off from the sport i love. my tailbone took a few months to heal, my back, a little longer.

then came june of last year. my girl's state competition was down south in wildwood, NJ where they are known for their boardwalk, roller coasters, and fried food. i love heights and of course went on the big wooden rickety roller coaster with the thought in my head of letting myself "go up and down. enjoy the experience LA!"  big. huge. enormous. mistake. a month later the pain began. and if you haven't experienced a bruised or broken tailbone it is hard to explain. you can sit on a very hard surface for your butt bones keep the weight off, but anything soft, forget about it. the worst is driving. you get in the car and for five to ten minutes you are fine.. then that ache starts to slowly creep in and any bump, turn, or movement makes you see stars. 

for a year now i have been going to a chiropractor who works on my tailbone, stretches the tight tendons that connect there, and lasers the area to try and offer some relief. but much to my being hopeful the pain has only gotten worse. i can no longer wear pants, jeans, or any sort of stiff material. sweatpants have become my go to for they are all i can sit down in. driving is miserable. sitting in bed or on a couch is worse. and the thought of being pregnant one day (a dream for pete and i) and not being able to sit...  my quest to fix my poor bum has begun.

as a gymnast i have had many injuries. broken toes, ankles, a knee, my ribs, and back. they all hurt of course but none i would sit and write a novel about on a blog. there is so much information about these common breaks and injuries, anyone can just google and get the knowledge they need. this tailbone is so rare, hardly anything is written except for one website my aunt found that has offered some personal stories. my goal is document this journey, however it may end up, and shed some personal insight to those who have the same problem... or just warn people to not let themselves smash up and down on roller coasters.

with that said, my first doctor's appointment last monday was a bit shocking. the word surgery was said. there aren't many options for tailbone pain. manual manipulation (which i've had for over a year), shots to numb the pain (a temporary fix), and lastly removal of the tailbone. this surgery is so rare, there are only a handful of doctors who perform it. so here we are. with an MRI done on saturday, i am waiting for the results and anxiously counting the days to wednesday when i meet with a surgeon who has done this type of procedure. Dr. Kane is his name and i will be a happy person if i feel comfortable enough to let him take out the bottom of my spine. the "not knowing" part is the worst.

-so this is just the beginning of a journey that i hope will help others and if not, will be a documentation of my experiences where hopefully i can look back one day and say, "remember when..." as i SIT not stand ;)